Spam, Scam, & Punctuation

I hate you, Craigslist.

No, not because of the Craigslist killer, I don’t watch Lifetime.  I don’t do sappy movies.  I realize the keyword here folks is killer, I still don’t do Lifetime.

Remember when I was homeless? It is still happening.

I know hate is a strong word, at the moment I have strong feelings.

My present apartment hunt is my only experience with Craigslist.  I am tremendously judgmental, nonetheless first impressions are important.  Craigslist you need to up your game.

I simply cannot grasp…

Why do people post a listing and then never respond to the inquiry?

How hard is it to post a picture?  We all know you Instagrammed your lunch. So why don’t you show me that newly renovated townhouse with the washer and dryer that iron and folds my clothes?

Then there is the posting that isn’t real.  We will call it spam.  Spam now stands for Scamming People, Aggravating Me Many.

Location matters people.  Don’t post your available apartment located in another state.  Sweet Brown.

The ultimate scam.  The response to an inquiry indicating that you need a tenant because you and your husband are living in a hut, helping fight and find a cure for diseases in a third world country.  Scam – Screwing common-folk, absolutely malicious.

What about the name?  Does Craig not own the list?  Should it not be Craig’s List? Where is the apostrophe?  I know, I know, I should never comment on any sort of punctuation.  I just think I might be right on this one.

 

 

Curves

We could talk all day about my curves.  No one wants to do that trust me.  Buzz, your girlfriend…woof.

After injuring myself and myself esteem a few times one would think I would learn.  Sadly this is not the case.

A successful bag class completed at the gym and the tires were rolled out.  Notice the plural s on tires; don’t let that single fella fool you.

Tires

A handful of us stood around.  A few completed the jump.  I simply started sweating as a contemplated the idea.  I told myself absolutely not.  No matter what the outcome I would end up looking like a donkey and probably end up injured.

Let me be honest.  I am not scared to be hurt.  I am afraid to not be able to get my sweat on.  My eating habits are out of control and curves will be the understatement of the century if I am unable to workout.

The tires and I went a few rounds.  Of course I attempted just with minimal effort.  I would jump up and barely close enough to touch them with my feet.  I figured everyone including myself would be satisfied with my attempt and we could move on.  Yea right.  Where was the effort?

Enter my irrational decision making skills and inability to say no, yet again. More commonly referred to as my life.

The owner of the gym offered to stand behind me.  The logic being I would fall on him and not the cement floor.  I told him for his safety it wasn’t in his best interest; he insisted for insurance purposes that it was.  I made a few more legitimate attempts, but still no luck.

One of the successful jumpers suggested I use my arms.  As people started to walk away, I did just that.  Result jumping so far that my shoes went inside the tires and I flew backwards.

Hello broken tail-feather.

I could possibly be over exaggerating the severity of the injury, but on the drive home I was sincerely concerned that I wouldn’t be able to get out of my car.

The only thing we are sure of that day I was injured at Curves.  Please allow me to quote the gym owner, “Wow, really sorry to hear you were hurt at Curves.  I hear it’s intense over there.”

What followed?

Laughter…naturally.  Subconsciously, I channeled my dad’s creative cursing.

Tuesday

One of those days…

I skipped spin this morning. I should have known this would lead to an interesting day. Missed motivation.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 9.03.05 PM

Instead I sat in standstill traffic. The traffic jam led to catching up on emails. Personal emails of course because work emails, I literally Sweet Brown that.

What I learned…

Don’t open emails from friends that talk you into composting seminars on Saturday mornings. If you do the email will link you here. Who knew condoms had the ability to fertilize?

This is the same friend that convinced me while on a brewery tour at Samuel Adams, it is not only appropriate, but also expected that I drink the beer even if wheat and I aren’t friends.20130319-215808.jpg

I realize it would be irresponsible to turn down free beer.

What is with the weather?

It snowed yesterday. Today it was 50 degrees. As a result of the weather a slow jog happened. My outfit of choice was referred to by a friend as a costume similar to that of a Sesame Street character.

I should either be embarrassed or become a little more selective with my friend choice.

Oh and one more thought. My friends bought a house today. I added Justin Timberlake’s The 20/20 Experience to a playlist on Spotify.
Commitment – one step at a time. (Still homeless…)

Is it Friday?

You don’t have to buy anything.

Ever been invited to a party?  You know, this kind,  “Just come and eat, you don’t have to buy anything.” My response is always a simple, “No, thanks.” I don’t elaborate; I have saved that for all of you.

Tupperware – I don’t need Tupperware. I don’t cook.  I didn’t say I can’t, I just said I don’t.  I eat eggs –five nights a week.  Eggs, spinach, salsa, cheese, and mustard what more could a girl ask for.  The last time I cooked was Hurricane Sandy – October 2012.  My roommate can attest to this.

Thirty-One – I have a lunch box.  I don’t need another one and I don’t want any bags with those absurd patterns on them.  I am not a mom, I do not wear mom jeans, and I do not need a mom bag or a purse skirt.  A purse skirt…. is that skirt for real?

Mary Kay – I don’t wear foundation, concealer, blush, etc.  I swear by Wet n’ Wild eye shadow, the $5 green and pink Maybelline mascara, and Maybelline eyeliner.  Once in a while people give me compliments.

Pampered Chef – I don’t cook.  Let’s go back there. I don’t need a salad spinner.  I let the kale dry on the counter before making kale chips.  Please not that I only make kale chips after I have eaten everything else in my kitchen.

Trunk Show – I don’t even know what that is.  I have been told it’s a purse-buying event.  I have a black purse and a brown purse.  They are sufficient.  I don’t need another one.  I also have a satchel crossover so I don’t get mugged. Or if I do get mugged at least I really notice it, probably end up with whiplash.

So no, I am not coming to your “party.”  Yes, I did put it in quotes because really, a party?  I am not busy.  I am not pretending to make an excuse.  I will be honest.  I will tell you that I am not coming because I know how the old, “you don’t have to buy anything,” works.  $73.46 later I have all kinds of skirt I don’t need.

Females throw Pinterest inspired parties.  Entirely too much time is spent cleaning, cooking, and attempting to outshine the last bash.

Males buy beer and if their buddies are lucky, they fire up the grill.

 

No Love, Just Laughter

If coupons for hugs aren’t going to cut it this year, you still have time.

Groupon is here to help…

Groupon

and Living Social…

Living Social

If you would rather just share the laughter, YouTube is where it’s at.

No love this year, just laughter.  Single or not you will enjoy.

From my heart to yours.

Oh and since you are free on the 14th, how about a… new FB profile pic?

#toopicky

Redemption

Remember that time you knew you were going to see your ex? You tried on countless outfits, bought the best push-up bra, and spent more time on your hair and makeup than you did for Spring Fling.

It worked.  He texted.  He called. He might have even stopped by.

Beyonce didn’t need to impress her ex last night; it wasn’t that big of a deal.  Merely a little inauguration lip-syncing redemption needed to occur.

She rocked the house.  Lights out and all.

The only difference between Beyonce and your my ex scenario; all of America updated statuses, liked, tweeted, hash-tagged, and blogged.

Beyonce, Destiny’s Child, or Taco Bell.  Who did you hashtag?

A little more Beyonce…incase you haven’t heard.

A Reason to Dance

“You need a reason to dance,” said no one ever.

If I actually needed a reason, these would make today’s list.

1.  It’s Wednesday – after work.

2.  Public bathrooms with seat covers.  I still hover. Just a little peace of mind knowing there is a backup plan for when the legs give out.  More importantly, a second option once you realize there is no toilet paper left.  5:40 a.m.  It happened.  Thank you, seat cover!

3.  It’s pouring rain.  I have new sneakers to break in.  My knee needs a break.  Coincidence, I think not.

sneakers

4.  Spur of the moment MTV’s Real World tagline quote session with my roommate’s fiancé. 

5.  A text message containing a YouTube link.

At the moment, life couldn’t be gooder.

Lame confession – Every time I hear Don’t Stop Believin’ I think of LC and Stephen. You know the scene from The Hills I am referring to, don’t pretend otherwise.  #notashamed

I tried to find the aforementioned Hills’ scene for your viewing pleasure.  I found you one better.

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What path would you choose?